hey all, been remiss in writing here, too! i blog one place and when i'm finally rid of the idea, i forget to post anywhere else. LOL sorry. lotsa apocalyptic things going on in my brain... hope you're all well... i'm doing good, summer is busy and hot! 

here's a catch up from the last couple months... read bottom to top. yeah i know it's confusing, but it keeps things interesting, no?

depilatories
Current mood: focused
Category: Life

i'm sure everyone has at least heard of, if not used, Nair or a product like it. now hear me out, i'm not going into a diatribe about my personal hygiene. no worries. but it got me thinking.

you know what a product like that states, yeah? "dissolves hair just below the shaft leaving skin smooth for days." generally i think the stuff works. but the root of the issue is still... well, the issue. that darn hair just will grow back and you have to continue removing it if you don't want it wherever it is. over and over and over...

ah and there we have the point i'm tryin to make. ISSUES. man there are so many. and there are so many ways we try and remove, gloss over, and stuff them before we've addressed the cause of them.

ok i'll speak for me, anyway. i'm not talking about any one person here. just people at large, and mostly myself and my observations... for me the above is true. there have been more times in my life where i tried to ignore the problem rather than deal with it.

dealing with things hurts, you know.

at least, it hurts for me and i'm sure that's not singular to me in the least. but i will SPEAK FOR MYSELF in this case.

i have been learning over again about this very thing over the past year and especially over the last 7 months. my difficulty in recognizing the problem for what it is.

i posted some of my heart ache in previous blogs that are probably more than anyone needs to know. i was going to delete them and then something stopped me. i guess because i'm not THERE anymore, and i feel that it's important to recognize that and keep those lessons clearly noted to myself so as to remember them, i chose to keep them. i tend to try to keep very important things and memories whether good or bad, close so as not to misplaced the lessons learned. and so that i know my testimony as a person actually has continued on.

to quote Dickens: Lord keep my memory green.

i don't ever want to forget where i've been. that way maybe i won't go there again, or i won't forget to be thankful for the wonderful blessings i have had.

and in the remembering, i can be hopeful and know that more blessings will come, yes, amid other difficulties that i know will come as well, there will be good.

there always is.

that's how hope is. it makes us wish to live. it kills us a thousand times over. and causes us to want to live again. ah the sweet agony of existence.

so back to my point. have i made it yet? i don't know... i have had so many things rattling round in my head the past 2 weeks. i've had the same conversation with about a half dozen people in that amount of time as well. the issues that continue to plague us are the same:

WHEN will we as people learn to get along? WHERE have we gone wrong? WHY does it always have to hurt so much?

and the ROOT of the problem lies in ourselves, i believe. there's not a razor or hair removal cream or even laser treatment deep enough that could get to this thing, though. for me, it's got to be my heart uprooted, it's dripping, fetid spaces cut out like bad wood and then implanted again so that good things might grow from it. otherwise there's bitter water there. hardness. and anger. those things become stagnant after awhile and pretty soon i get used to their presence and don't realize i have allowed them to make me into a hellion.

ah and there's another thing i've been thinking of:

Hell.

interesting,  yeah?
well not interesting in THAT way, i s'pose, but i've been contemplating how certain habits and people in a given stereotype can be condemned by another group to... well... hell.

do you think that because you've had a drink with alchohol in it you'll go to hell?

do you think someone that's a confirmed alchoholic is going to hell?

what about an addict?
a guy in jail?

that girl over there flirting shamelessly with the guy at the other table?

a sex offender?

a gossip?

a bad leader?

an unfaithful spouse?

somebody that's gay?

a professional dancer?

a two faced friend?

a working mom?

a rock star?

someone that claims to be a Christian but doesn't show it?

someone that is a Christian that doesn't go to church?

someone that listens to rock music?

an actor?

someone that sends their kids to public school? (oh horrors!)

a writer?

an overzealous Christian (or any other person for that matter) that has taken the law into their own hands?

a murderer?

are all of these people going to hell? because of their vices , careers or life choices?

um.

NO.

and therein lies what i've been ruminating about so deeply. who do we think we are looking around and making such judgements? GOD? i am SO glad none of the people on this earth have that kind of power. WHERE does it ever say in the Bible or anywhere else that "all alchoholics go to hell. do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars." SHOW me where it says that!

i think anyone with any kind of addiction needs help. and that's all that means. period.

i know from my own life that by the beautiful Grace of Jesus alone am i forgiven and only then am i able to see where my own addictions need to be dealt with (for me i can get very addicted to my own emotions and pretty soon can't see anything else for the enormous forest i have let grow in my head). for i am the only person i need to worry about. as i learn to let God show me the things i'm deficient in, i will know how and why i need to adjust my life. and that's all i must concern myself with.

how dare i try to make those around me conform to my ways of thinking just to make me more comfortable??

even Jesus had dinner with the "worst" sinners around. and because of His LOVE they changed. not because he condemned them to hell.

"Dude, thou art a tax collector. SINHEAD! thou art destined to eternal punishment!"

no no. it didn't go that way at all.

BUT

He did mention that those pious priests that danced around admiring themselves were like vipers and tombs.

EW.

yet sometimes we take it upon ourselves to point out to everyone who we "know" is going to hell. just because we saw them down town listening to a local rock band, or whatever the scenario. PICK ONE.

where is the grace and compassion we're to have for one another? and i don't mean the whole, "what makes you happy is fine and what makes me happy is fine. everyone have at it! no limits!" nah, there's a boundary. but who are WE to try and define what that boundary is to anyone but ourselves?!?! i am so SICK of people's points of view being forced on everyone around them. because therein lies the very heart and essence of a hypocrite.

and hypocrasy is to me, very serious.

i hope to heaven i haven't done that to anyone myself. 

where is the love for one another and the understanding that there is not one person on this earth that is any different from any one else? we're all in the same boat; country, creed, hearth and home, we're all the same, and ain't nothin you or i can do to change anyone else.

except ourselves.

Currently reading : The Grapes of Wrath (Centennial Edition) By John Steinbeck Release date: 2002-01-03     wow Current mood: blessed Category: Life life's turns give me a turn. listen to my new song on my profile. HOPE by Jack Johnson. it is exactly how i've been feeling, and do feel. thank GOD my deep blue funk is gone. He is good. have a great weekend, everyone. Currently reading : That Hideous Strength (Space Trilogy, Book 3) By C.S. Lewis     worth every tear Current mood: uncomfortable Category: Life it all begins with our significance doesn't it? as i strangle myself with  my own tears i believe aren't worth shedding, i wonder why i think so little of myself. why i don't believe in my own indispensiblity? why does my head pound and my heart ache. why do i feel so alone? a very good friend once challenged me with the thought that he figures that i think i'm not enough. he was right. it all boils down to me. it starts here. and yet i'm already in  midstream. can one go back to shore once it's already begun? can the cycle be undone? will i ever find the way to make my voice heard because it's simply my own and not what i think it should be? and will it matter to anyone if i do? i must think that some how it might mean something or i wouldn't be sitting here blogging, hoping someone will notice. of course reason and experience scream at me that yes i have a place in the great scheme of things. that yes they would miss me. that no, they could not get on without me. i thought i had something figured out about myself two years ago. something really good. but somewhere i lost the script. i don't remember my lines. i'm not so good at ad libbing. never have been. my skin tightens with the salt of my dried and already forgotten tears. tears i'm loathe to recognize. tears that i never allow to fall because i know that just because they exist doesn't mean they'll change anything. tears that i'm afraid to release because then i might lose control and they might not end. and i wonder as my gut shakes and my throat closes will anything i could ever be or do be good enough just because it's me? just for today, at this moment, i really don't know....